Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
