After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
