ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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