yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
