I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
