My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
