so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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