i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
