I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
