My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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