So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
