A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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