So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Sext me about skeletons
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
