Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
