the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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