Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
