Are we in a gay sports bar?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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