i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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