That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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