im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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