i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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