Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
