One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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