I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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