2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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