Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
