It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
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