She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
