Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He had one of those small greek statue penises
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
