i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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