when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
