i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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