you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
