It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
