I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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