I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
