Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
