I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
