Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
