The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Randomize
