see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
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I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
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The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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