Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
