i need an iv and a liver transplant
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
