he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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