i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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