it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
