tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
