just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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