Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
