dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
