I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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