I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
