Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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