if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
