My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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