I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
