i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize