okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
