If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
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