You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
