even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
