Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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