I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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