I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
