Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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